Full of Joy

HAPPY NEW YEAR'S EVE! i, for one, am excited about this holiday. usually i'm not that excited, but tonight- my household is having the best kind of night. we are having chili, chips and salsa, (and i don't know yet what boog is bringing for drinks and dessert!) while watching, "sleeping with the enemey". (don't ask me why!) we are all wearing comfy sweats and sweatshirts as it is snowing heavily, and we are in for the night! it's hard to be home, and leave my family- but it's good to be back!

Take you time. Relax.

i just spent a beautiful evening with two beautiful friends. it was such a special time to bond, open our hearts, talk, and just enjoy our moment together at Cafe Latte. i could have sat there all night and talked the time away. i feel touched, and grateful for this gift of friendship.

something has been troubling me, and where better to express it then on my own personal blog? there is this person in my life (to protect the identity of this said individual, i am making this person a male with the name of jay) who has been pointing out an aspect of my character a lot lately. at first, it was funny. jay pointed out that my "glass is half empty". i immediately responded "whatever!" (me? defensive?!) well, i thought about that a lot...so later on, i said to jay, "you know what. you're right. my glass is half empty, and i think that's why it hurts so much to hear you say that." jay laughed out loud, thinking i was really funny for saying that. i guess it was funny that day. as time has gone on, jay keeps saying this about me. "you really ARE half empty" he keeps saying. well for crying out loud. i'm sorry that i have to be safe. i'm sorry that i have to be protective of me, my emotions, my feelings, my thoughts, my ...

sometimes it's the littlest gifts in life that mean the most. sometimes it's the littlest moments in life that mean the most as well. either gifts or moments usually come quite unexpectedly, and bring more joy then i realize at the time. a friend gave me four quarters today because she knew i was doing laundry, and had run out of quarters. now i can do another load, and i'm so happy to be able to get my whites done! it was a gift seemingly small, but in my heart-it was so much more then 4 quarters. a simple gesture goes such a long way. i went to visit my little friend who turned 4 today. her sister let me into the house, and when my little newly turned 4-year-old-friend came down the stairs, i was struck with the happiness that she radiated. she was wearing a pink ribbon that said something about her turning 4 today. she was so proud of that little pink ribbon. i was also struck by the fact that she was wearing an adorable little sweater-dress with tights. her da...

i'm sad. that's all there is to it. i always have this underlying sadness in my deepest heart of hearts, but usually it's kept locked away. i occupy my mind with work, friends, church, groups, projects, tv, movies, reading, talking on the phone, eating, running, music...anything except dwelling on sadness. it's not healthy to mope around and wish for things that are out of my control. because that's exactly it: things are out of my control. i was talking to my manager today about all kinds of things. he brought up the option for me to become an assistant mananger. every few months the subject resurfaces. i always go back to my old stand by: "starbucks is a means to an end (money!) and it's not what i want to do for my life, i have a higher purpose..." yet in the mean time, i have no idea when this "higher purpose" is finally going to play out. quite possibly never. so should i pursue something "bigger" in my current care...

“Borne Supremacy”, “The Supremes”, a supreme pizza, a supreme burrito, a supreme being/superhero. Jason Borne is the best at what it is he does- he’s unstoppable. The Supremes are a hugely successful chic band. Supreme foods are loaded with everything imaginable- the best at what they are. A supreme super hero is untouchable. But, our God being supreme? God’s supremacy is too important, too great to describe. He is greater then any president, any king, any CEO, any leader, any ruler. He is above all, before all, superior to all…and still feels indescribable. Talk about supreme. Talk about having major authority over everything- visible and invisible. I decided I wanted a cup of hot tea this morning. I filled up my new, shiny teapot with hot water, set it on the back burner, and turned the burner on high. After a minute or so, I changed my mind and started balancing my checkbook first. I turned off the burner, and sat inches away from my stove at the kitchen table. A few se...

i just can't wait to get on the road again! something about friends...music with my friends. blah. blah. blah. you get the picture. i took steps today people! i limped one feeble foot in front of the other. suddenly mean jokes from high school are haunting me again. "gimp" "gimpy"...that's what i became. but, i will rise above the potential remarks. i have no shame in moving about like a grandma. i actually feel quite sad for the elderly and disabled. this week, i am connecting with how they must feel. it's a sad realization. today: one small step for me- one big step for....uhh...how does that go? mankind? i'm just praising the Lord for my small step.

where would i be right now if i didn't have so many little Christ's in my life? i am more then blessed- that is how i feel this fine evening. although my foot is hurting me terribly- even after 2 more vacadin, i can't walk, and i slightly feel like i'm gonna throw up- my heart is overflowing with warmth, love, and gratitude. one of my dearest friends left work early yesterday, drove me to surgery, and literally heald my hand as i moaned and groaned through the tortures of novicane being injected agonizinlgy in my foot. and let me tell you- i wasn't just squeezing her hand- i was gripping it for all i am worth. pretty sure her fingers were purple in the end. she was amazing at talking to me, watching the surgery, but keeping a pure poker face on the whole time. she never made me feel like she was watching something that would totally freak me out! not only did this rock solid supporting friend endure this with me- but she also shares an apartment with me and ha...

i love pain killers. i'll tell the whole story once i'm not so loopy. i love your prayers. thank you.

it hurtzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

tomorrow is my foot "surgery". (monday, november 27: 2:30-3:30 pm) for those of you who are not aware, i have had 2 moles (like tiny, hardly knew they existed size freckles) removed off the bottom of my foot, and one with a piece tested. they found suspicious cells in two of them. i have to go back in tomorrow to have two areas cut more deeply into to remove all the suspects. i do not have cancer...but the cells are something that could turn into that, so they want them gone. this means deeper holes, and stitches. (in two areas) i already had something like this done and it's horribly painful! needless to say i'm terrified to go in again...knowing what lies ahead. plus, i have been training for a half marathon, so this really holds up my training. (i'll have the stitches for 10 days, and the pain for who knows how long...) please pray for me- i'm scared!!! thanks!!!

so here i sit. i don't know what happened to me last night, but i'm feeling much better. on with the story! as i reflect the evening, what sticks out the most is the moment swzy and i began to decorate our tree. home alone I was playing in the backgroud, which boog was glued to. i just felt the christmas cheer looming in our home. what joy! there's just something about hanging decorations on a tree. it's just a nastalgic, warming christmas tradition that i love. we have quite an array of beautiful lights strung on our tree. we have golden gopher lights (not my first choice of christmas decor, guess who's they are!), purple lights, (thanks jess!), and dollar store lights to complete the picture. to top it off, we have an enormous bright star that also lights up. after the tree was adorned, we sat down with warm, homemade apple pie, and continued watching home alone. (boog ate a toffee almond bar because she doesn't like "fruit" pie.) we had all...

this week owns two of the best nights that i have had in a long time. tonight being one of them. i have had a wicked tiring week at work. don't mess with the MOA on black friday...just my advice from a professional standpoint. i am still exhausted from the hoards of people crowding our store. pretty sure we hit a fire hazzard, come to think of it. i literally didn't think i could survive another second on the floor at one point during a day, and was about to break down when all of the sudden i hear, "abby! go on your break." as i walked into the back room, i almost burst into tears- i was so tired, hungry, and overwhelmed with the thousands of customers barking their high-maintenance orders at me. i cried out to God for strength...and He came through. God lifted my spirits and gave me the strenght to plow through the rest of the day...and week, for that matter. so, i'm tired. spent. and ready for my day off tomorrow. i love sat. nights. sat. nights an...

i should be in bed. i should, at least, be getting ready for bed. normally this would be my routine, but tonight, i am hungry. i did not eat dinner because i was hanging out with a friend. (thanks for the talk, kevin. quite thought- provoking and fun all at the same time!) then, i stopped by to say hello to some more friends, and now i am finally home- but i'm starving! i had this piece of chicken "thawing" in the fridge for two days, so i HAD to cook it tonight or else it would be salmanilla tomorrow. i have a fear of getting food poisoning. i think it's because one of my best friend's had it once and it's wicked awful. so here i sit, "late at night" (mind you, it's 9:26 pm...that's late for me!) eating a piece of chicken. and it's good, i must say. a little olive oil, salt and pepper...and you have an amazing, nutritious dinner! (shout out to you tara for that advice!) so, a couple of minutes ago- i choked on a piece of this...

What are YOU thankful for?

does anyone know why my blog no longer accepts comments? email me if you can help. this is super annoying.

at my Starbucks, we are collecting coats (used- in good condition, or new) to give to people in need. we all know how terribly freezing it gets in this city, but imagine not having a coat to wear! if you would like to help someone who needs a coat- just let me know. i would love to collect coats from people outside of work, and be able to give extra! most people own more then one coat...maybe you could give a coat that's not old, but even one that you still wear. or, go out and buy a new coat for someone. pray about it, think about it...i just want to be an outlet for anyone who would like to help! once we collect "enough" coats, some of us from work are going to go and hand them out. i can't wait! i will probably announce this on sunday morning, and sunday night at the peterson's (ok, jamie?!)- you could even bring a coat during one of those times. i will be collecting for the next few weeks, though. THANKS Y'ALL!!

i love music. i play music constantly. while i'm getting ready, in the car, when i'm running, while i'm practicing drums, at work (i change the music all day long so i can listen to what i like!), etc. i thought i'd share with you two new finds, and a new album...all of which i LOVE. 1. AG Silver- Wake Up and Smell Reality i first heard about this band because i met the drummer. he's actually holly's cousin, but not my cousin. although, i think i can say he's my friend. the sound is unique and they rock! 2. Brandon Heath- Don't Get Comfortable he opened for bebo norman. i LOVED him live, and his cd is amazing as well. he's definately a writer, and the lyrics are powerful. 3. Jeremy Camp- Beyond Measure what can i say? we all know this guy is a powerhouse. his passion explodes from every song. awesome.

“Wake up and smell reality, it’s not all you thought that it should be.” I have been listening to this band, AG Silver, a lot in the past few weeks, and this song sings loud and true to me right now. Reality is death. How ironic is that? The irony being, something that is real in our world is death. Death is real. Death is reality. This seems like an oxymoron to me. How can death be real, when something real is something alive? I am trying desperately to grasp the reality of death, and the truth that reality is certainly not what I thought it should be. I spent the last couple days tasting grief. The grief in IA is so thick; I ate it at every turn. It’s so horrifically painful to watch the reality of grief. On Saturday night, I went to a party at Jeff’s house. His family was having a huge bonfire, and they wanted my family to come. I was touched that they would want me to be there. As soon as I arrived, there sat my aunt, uncle, and cousin who just lost their daughter and sister. They ...

today has been a day of disappointments. little things that i have gotten my little balloon of hope filled up with, then POP. someone or something sticks that nasty needle right into the center and the air of hope fizzles right out of me. i feel like one of those nasty, slimy, withered, discolored, gross pieces of a balloon that has gotten popped and zings around the room until it splats on the dirty floor below. and then it picks up all the dirt and lint that has been sitting around which finally has a slimy piece of balloon to latch onto. that's me tonight. a slimy, deflated, chunk of balloon.

suspicious cells my foot! literally. several weeks ago i had 5 moles removed- three from the bottom of my foot. don't for a second think that this was just a "minor, no big deal" procedure. HECK NO. it was the worst surgery i have ever had. (and i have had A LOT, including ACL reconstruction which is horribly painful) my doctor stuck the tender, delicate muscles of my ARCH along with the ball of my foot FOUR times with novicane. i was shivering, shaking, sweating, and fighting the tears like crazy. i squeezed that nurses hand so hard i'm sure she has bruises. then when it was all said and done...i ended up limping around for a week because of the pain. but, i left that day feeling relieved that it was over and i'd never have to go through that again. never did i think i'd really have to go in because i had cancer or anything else. this leads me to today. i was called back into the skin doctor's office to discuss my situation. the good news is.....

ok people. enough is enough. what is WITH all the tyra bashing? i learned some very crucial things from her this week. important life tips, in fact. TOP TEN TIPS FROM TYRA #10: wiggle your mascara- it creates the illusion of eyeliner #9: zig-zag your part/wear your hair curly when you have bad roots #8: use a pea or lima bean size of face cleanser #7: clean your cuticles with olive oil- do not cut them, this allows bacteria #6: do not use shower puffs- they store bacteria #5: rogain for men can be used to bring back over-plucked brows #4: pony tails should be worn high or low- never in the middle #3: if wearing a fake pony tail- cut it into layers so it appears like real hair #2: if you're gonna wear bling- only wear one item of bling and #1 is: I GO, GIRL! see? now where would i be if i hadn't learned these things?!

i'm alive! oh, it feels good to be alive! for those of you who have been wondering...i did, actually, drop off the face of the planet for like a week and a half. i went to misery land. the land of viruses that turned into infections that stripped me of my voice, stuffed my head and nose, scratched my throat raw, and made me hack like i've never hacked before. a very sweet and kind friend of mine (you'll never guess who!) so gently started calling me "Goose" during this extremely hazardous time. so, i'm back with a vengence proclaiming THE GOOSE FLIES AGAIN! i will not be kept down. thanks to my healing God and the magical little drugs that i am on. ah.....i love them. Look out world...i am ready to live again. bahhhhhhhhhh haha! so here's my very first, very own TOP TEN LIST OF DAYTIME TV. (and a little night entertainment thrown in there as well) #10: The News (with Denis Dota and Jeanette Trumpitor, thank you very much) #9: The View #8: Regi...

in honor of my roommate...paula anyone?!

HELLO ERIC BUDDY!! I HEARD YOU. :)

i just spent a major chunk of my evening doing something that probably makes me more fully alive then anything else in the world. i got to hold baby macie who is just over 48 hours old. i not only got to hold her, but i heald her agaist my chest and got to smell her sweet baby scent and feel her sweet baby skin on my face. her skin is so soft it feels like touching air. she's beautiful. there is something about a baby that can reach to the deepest part of my heart.

yeah, you have them. hidden dreams. dreams you've never mentioned. dreams you've maybe never even admitted to yourself. we all do it. why do we do it? why do we hide our dreams? hide our longings? well for one, we chalk up the "obvious" to logic. in doing so (and this brings me to my second reason) we limit God. our faith is weak. yeah, we have faith...but it's quite possibly smaller then a mustard seed. "i know you're huge, God...i know you CREATED this entire universe in just 6 days...i know you CREATE new human beings every minute of every day...i know you can perform miracles...oh wait a minute. that was back in the book of acts...you're not that same God..." oh, i'm sorry. i forgot God changed since then. hhmmm... don't ask me where the sarcasm came from. when i started this entry, it wasn't my intent. (just blame boog or swznikki for this) mostly, i am talking to ME. tonight i am having a revelation. i have been alone for the pa...

I wouldn’t even believe this story unless it happened to me…and well, it DID happen to me, so I believe it. Weird. Ok, anyway! This morning I got up at 4:45 am to go and ready the pastry case, clean, etc. our store because the CEO of Starbucks, yes, that’s what I said, STARBUCKS was coming. Not just our area or state, but the entire multi-billion dollar company C E O. His name is Jim Donalson. They chose our store, out of all the Starbucks in Minneapolis (and for those of you non-locals, there are billions of ‘em) for Jim to do a video in. Now, I’m thinking it’ll be really cool to watch the video taken, see the camera’s, etc, etc. No, no, no. Get THIS. Jim walks into our store, walks right up behind our counter, puts out his hand and says, “Hi, I’m Jim!” He meets all of us little baristas behind the counter, asks how long we’ve been with the company, and so I responded with my, “almost three years”. Then, he proceeds to congratulate me on becoming a Coffee Master. Needless t...

today is Holly's birthday. what can i say? i called her parents and husband today...and on both answering machines/voice mails, i heard holly's voice. i just wanted to keep calling and keep hearing her happy-go-lucky, loving voice. it was a gift for me to be able to hear her. i'm sure she's never had a more magical, supernatural, loving birthday. she's with our Father. she gets to sit at His feet and be clothed with his love and affection for her. as certain as i am that there's no better place for her to be today, i am also certain the rest of us wish we could be sitting there right next to her. her husband had gotten her real diamond earrings for today. holly had picked them out, but jeff was saving them for today. today never came...maybe your today or my today may never come, either. God certainly has numbered our days. i'm thankful for that. i really am. happy birthday to my dear, sweet, missed, beloved cousin- holly jane.

A bright pink rose sits in a small glass vase in the center of my oven. It’s a beautiful rose. Just like Holly. As is the rose- Holly was full of life, loved by so many people, gorgeous to look at, but just as gorgeous on the inside. Dear, sweet Holly never knew a stranger. She reached out to any person, and she loved every one she met. Holly loved God, and she loved people. The rose that sits on my oven is from Holly’s grave. The funeral service man handed it to me right off of her casket. Her casket was gold and sparkly…representing Holly perfectly. She was bubbly, cheery, happy, and loved to laugh. We laughed together for countless hours. We had countless sleepovers together…being silly and talking about all kinds of things. Not only was Holly my cousin, she was my friend. I have known her for my entire life. There is not a time in my life when I didn’t know Holly. She had the Cricket Doll that I longed for as a child. We braided Pretty Pretty Crimp and Curl Cabbage P...

Jesus weeps with you. He weeps for you. He weeps so you will know; Mourning is not disbelieving. He understands the tears. ~Max Lucado

your prayers are our lifeline right now. God is using you, hearing your prayers, and we are so thankful for you. holly's funeral is tues. at 10 am. there is a visitation on mon. from 3-7. my flight doesn't arrive until later that night, so i am upset that i will be missing that part. is this really happening? how can she really be gone? my sweet cousin, my FRIEND? my family will never be the same. my heart is a mixture of greif, dread, and fear. part of me is terrified to arrive tomorrow and face the reality of it all. to see my aunt and uncle...their son, and her husband. what will i say? how do i act? we will cling to our God together as a family. my mother is having her heart checked, tested, looked at, etc. because she is having problems. she has been having heart problems but did not tell us until yesterday morning. therefore, she can not go to the funeral...but will go to IA later this month. it's terrifying to me to have this happening to her. i want to weep and wail...

Holly is with Jesus. pray.

pray...please pray. i can hardly write this email as i sit here at the beach in nj with my mom, dad, john mark, and aunt keren....hearing sobs mixed with people running to the bathroom, mixed with silence that makes you shake...please pray. we just got word that my cousin, holly, was in a tragic car accident and has been on life support...my relatives are on their way to the hospital, as they are going to have to take her off the support tonight. i have no details. holly just got married in may to jeff. please pray for jeff. and for holly's parents...tim and char mendenhall, and her only brother, eric. they all live in iowa. i don't even know what to say...i just beg you for your prayers...please. we're waiting for the next call..... pray.....

life is good at the beach. to be at the beach is to be home. in other words, home is where the beach is. some day, some how, i will live on or near the beach. there is some thing about the ocean that just reaches deep down and touches my soul. i connect with the ocean... the deepness of the sea : it has parts that are so deep no one has ever explored there waves : high or low, the waves reflect the heart of the ocean- whether in turmoil, or at peace complexity : the ocean is full of all kinds of creatures- beautiful, colorful, and amazing; but also scary beasts consistancy : the ocean is always there, it never goes away- year after year it remains the same i love the ocean. i love the beach. i belong here...

it's gone. my connection to the outside world has been yanked from my fingertips. literally. i no longer have internet access in my home, and i feel completely cut off from society. i hate going to other places to check my email, or write emails. i feel rushed, and unable to relax. and i really hate trying to write a blog at a coffee shop or something. blogs have to be spontaneous...something that hits me any time, day or night. it is with sadness that i inform you my blogging existance will most likely not be very frequent. i was on such a roll, too. oh the sadness. what's a girl to do when she comes home to her apartment...normally to check her email, her blog, and write to her friends? now she'll come home and....sit on the couch. maybe sit on the couch and eat cookies...so long, farewell. good-bye every one. life as i knew it now ceases to exist.

well, as many of you know, i have been taking a different direction in life. this week, three of my friends and i have decided that this is the road we would like to head down. we are excited about this new journey and all the ways we will learn and grow. if any of you would like to join us, please contact me. we would love to have you apart of our group. our motto is: "Jesus will never break your heart." we will spend lots of time eating foods on a stick, having our faces sculpted out of butter, learning to spin basketballs on our fingers, overcoming phobias of spiders and mice, teaching our creepy pet cats to jump off 33 floor balconies, making our own food every night for supper...even french toast, going to camp and taking numerous naps a day, embracing our femininity- even the color pink, watching "step up" at least twice a day, and never ever will we talk about boys. shout out to my pink habit homies!

my little brother was involved in a serious car accident this past week. it was a head on collision. both his truck, along with the oncoming vehicle, were totaled. God spared my brother's life! johnny walked away with a broken bone in his hand, tons of scrapes, cuts, etc. (the air bag went off), and his worst injury was to his knee. he had previously had ACL surgery this summer, and that knee was reinjured in the accident. his knee is so swollen and bruised that the doctor has to see him again in 2 weeks before they can know what's wrong. his knee is grotesquely huge and colored. he is in a lot of pain. mom sent a picture, but of course, it won't work on my blog. anyway...please pray for john mark! he is really discouraged, and obviously needs major healing! praise God he's alive... i am praying... i love you johnny!

yes, that's right everyone. today, as of 10:30 am, i am officially certified as a COFFEE MASTER! i would like to thank my family, friends, and all those who made this possible. i coudn't have done it without you. HAHA!! seriously, though! i'm totally stoked!! God is so good to me. so good.

what's with the state fair anyways?

tomorrow at this time, i very well might be a coffee master. yes, that's correct, i said coffee master . tomorrow morning i am being re-tested on the final two components that prove whether or not i know my coffee stuff. you think i'm kidding? oh no, no, no. in fact, my friend, i have been working on my coffee master's for months now. it involves everything from the dirt in which the coffee bean is grown, to the farmer's who tend to the coffee farms, to the roasting "curve" starbucks is infamous for, to the packaging of our beans, to the brewing equipment in our store, to the quality of our beverages...and on and on and on it goes. my district manager will be testing me orally on my knowledge of our company, and it's product: coffee. it quite fankly reminds me of college when i had my theology orals. that was a wretched experience, one that i hope i never have to suffer through ever again. but, much like my theo orals, i am expected to know, retai...

Tonight, all is well in the world. My world. It’s almost mid August, and I have had sudden fears lately that summer is quickly coming to an end. I have begun to stop and smell the roses, if you will. Things like enjoying the warmth and rush of heat when I first step out side in the morning; or going for my morning jog and talking my life over with God; or walking at a beautiful lake with a dear friend and lazily bantering about life and what could be; or sitting here in my apartment all alone listening to one of my favorite sounds in all the world…summer chirping bugs. It only happens in the summer with the windows wide open, the still heat wrapping my body in its embrace, and the bugs singing their soothing melodies that speak directly to my soul. A soul that reflects my Savior’s peace. A peace that only comes from a God who knows me intimately, deeply- a God who knows my heart and all its hidden chambers and passages. A God who is whispering quietly to my soul, my very being,...

thanks to thee mr. james miller (never call him "jame") i now have titles, and have learned how to add pictures. thank you james!

Two years ago today, life as I knew it was forever altered. My heart was ripped from my body and shattered into millions of pieces. Two years ago today, my heart was turned into tiny grains of black sand and the painful, turbulent winds of life blew those grains all over the world. Two years ago today, I thought it would be impossible to put all those grains of sand that were my heart back into one solid mass. Have you ever tried to clean up a pile of sand? It’s impossible. The grains are too tiny, too miniscule to be able to restore them. Two years ago today, I didn’t think I would ever be a person again. Two years ago today, I never would have known that my Father God could turn the sickness and agony of my broken life into something beautiful and good. Two years ago today, I never would have pictured myself living in Minneapolis on my own, all by myself, and happy. Today I am here to tell you that I am whole. I am a person again. I live, and breathe, and revel in my God. I exist to ...

can someone please tell me how to post a stinkin' picture on this blog? i have tried to follow "blogger's" directions and they just don't work! AND how do i make titles?

i really should be going to bed. i have to get up at 5. i know, the story of my life. it's really not that bad, i just hate mornings. i can't help it. anyway, i am all fired up about something. a friend of mine just made the comment that God doesn't really want her to be happy (if you're reading this...you already know my respsonse, it's just that i believe so passionately about this i have to get it out!). i know that i have believed that for so many years. my parents always told me i had a "pessimistic attitude", or a "fatalistic attitude" about God, but i continued on with that mindset anyway. they always taught me that God was good, loving, caring, etc. i just clung to my own conclusions. the wrong ones. i believed that whatever the hardest, most painful situation for me to chose was what God had planned. if i chose to "endure for Jesus" then God would be happy. NO NO NO!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! how awful, how horrible, how absolutely horr...

i am absolutely head over heals in love! yeah, that's right, I'M IN LOVE! God has given me a passion for the drums ever since 4th grade. i remember the exact situation when it hit me. and now, 14 years later, i am learning how to play the drums! finally! at last, my love has come along. :) so maybe my lonely days aren't over but i, none the less, i am in LOVE! i love the drums. i love learning how to play the drums. i love playing the drums. i just got back from my drum lesson for the week, and i am on fire. you know the song by DCB that says, "...you've set me on fire and i am burnin' alive with his breath in my lungs i am coming undone...you are my JOY...lalalalaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..." well, that's how i feel!! HE has set me on fire, and i am burnin' alive. HE has created me with this passion, and it's a way that we intimately bond and connect. me and my Father. it puts this fire in my heart and makes me want to dance for joy for my new found ...

"Just what is God trying to teach you?" ~Rick Moore

"The world is extremely interesting to a joyful soul." -Alexandra Stoddard ...and i have a joyful soul! I would not have been able to say that last week at this time, or any time for the past two years. I had been stuck in the prison of my own pain, anger, confusion, and bitterness. God rescued me, though. It was like my favorite show, at one point, "Prison Break". I was locked away behind closed doors of bitterness...and God said, "Enough! I want you to enjoy the world, the sun, My joy that I give". It's a different world to me now. My soul is free...and I will never be the same again!

dad, mom, and i were talking in the hospital one day last week. we're baffled by all that God has done in our family, and all that He has brought us through. the past two years have been so painful. our hearts have had to deal with a lot of hurt. whether it be an emotional heart or a physical heart, our hearts have been wounded deeply. but, we have been showered with the rains of God's love. never have i known such love then the love of our Father being poured out on us in the midst of such horrible and wretched circumstances. as my parents and i talked, i made the wish that my heart could be healed by heart surgery. they readily agreed. God is the ultimate surgeon, i know. i know that healing takes time. for dad, it will be a life time of medication, check ups, restrictions and such...for me? well, what of my life? what of my heart? how long will it be before my heart is healed? i am thankful for the power of healing, and protection God's hand has ordained in my dad, and i...

we're home. we made it. my dad's first words to me, after surgery (after they took the tube out of his throat) were, "i made it." and he did. praise the Lord. and i want to say that i would still be praising the Lord, even if dad hadn't made it. thankfully, i don't have to choose. dad keeps saying, "why me? why did God choose to spare me?" he's amazed that God chose to protect him, and watch over him, when other patients around him were not doing so well. my family is more then thankful. we're filled with relief. so much so, that when we got back last night (after a stressful drive, i might add!) dad, mom, and i just cried together. it's been such a difficult road. and yet we still have a long way to go. my parents especially. dad got sent home with a PICC in his arm. (an IV) he will be on anti-biotics for around 6 weeks. we have a home nurse coming. mom could learn to do some things, but it's very scary. the end of the PICC goes righ...

thanks for all your comments and most importantly for your PRAYERS. it is around 5 pm east coast time. they just came in and said that my dad's heart is "all back together"...they are waiting to see if it clots well and that it doesn't bleed uncontrolably. we still have a couple hours. keep praying. this takes so much time. i praise God for Dr. Bavaria. i want to give him a huge hug. keep praying!! keep praying. thank you so much. thank you, Father for your peace. mom and i just cried together a little. expressing our thoughts and feelings. this is so hard. there's a possibility that dad could have a stroke...so please pray AGAINST that in the coming hours and days. God's presence is here. HIS peace is with us.

i am back in the computer room. johnny and i are next to each other again. i am tired. i think this is what extreme exhaustion feels like. it's hard to describe. i went to bed around midnight last night...it was one of those nights where i don't feel like i slept at all. i got up at 4:30 this morning. my eyes feel like glue. i went to lunch at the "spice of life" cafeteria . ok, don't know where the "spice" comes from in the name. oh well, it's the hospital. i got a starlight latte from the hospital cafe...yet again i am constantly reminding myself, starbucks is the only place to get a latte! ha! when we got back to the surgical family lounge, the back room, where our group has moved in and taken over (actually, we've been asked twice to quiet down) i received the newest update...it's halftime for dad. they were just about done with his first valve, and were moving on to the second. the first half of surgery went well. (thank you FATHER!) and...

it is now around noon. we all just trooped back from starbucks. i will be frequenting there a lot. it smells like "home" to me in there. it has a comorting aroma to me. right before we left, my real good friends, jen and m showed up! then, while we were at starbucks, tim and barb woodard came. we all have a big back room to ourselves. dad is undergoing surgery right now. it's really weird to think about. he's laying upstairs in a cold, sterile room, chest up, exopsed, on an operating table...heart stopped, the surgeon at work on him. shivers. shivers. that's where i stop. we're still at peace. God's presence is upon us.

i have imagined myself being a writer from the beach- sitting next to the ocean, the breeze gently blowing wisps of hair around my face, the beach sprawled for miles beside me, the sun blazing miraculously above me, the story flowing from my pen...never have i imagined myself writing from THE SURGICAL FAMILY LOUNGE. there are three rooms full of chairs, a couple flat screen tv's, a coffee area for family's of surgical patients only, and a computer room, where i am currently residing. johnny is on the computer next to me. we just said our hard- oh so hard- good byes to my dad. we got here (university of penn hospital) a little before 6:30 this morning. my mom, aunt cynthy, john mark, mel and peg walker, and pastor have all been waiting with dad, still in his normal clothes for 2 1/2 hours. we finally got called up, and went to a "new" waiting room. there, we stood and waited for only a moment before the guy in his scrubs came to get my dad. (i think it's a good sig...

i'm home. it's emotional, but i'm where i belong. we leave for philly tomorrow afternoon. we will go to my aunt's tomorrow night, have dinner, sleep over...and then be at the hospital by 6:30 am. it's a fearful thought. mom says it's a sin to worry or be afraid, and i would agree. fear is not of God. he says he does not give us a spirit of fear but of something else. ha. i can't remember what that something else is, but i know it's not of fear! ha! that's all that matters. it's hard not to fear when i know painful things are ahead. mom says we hope in Jesus because no matter what happends, God is my hope. and no matter what happends, God is taking care of my dad, her, luke, johnny, and me...no matter what. even if things turn out in a way we don't think we can handle...Jesus is our hope. Jesus will take care of us. He will. He will. He will. help my hope to be in YOU, Father. our hope. all of us. together.

You guys are awesome! Thank you to so many of you who have been praying for me so faithfully! I am comforted, and so encouraged by that. I am always in awe when some one tells me that they are specifically praying for me. The past several weeks have actually been a little rough. There are a lot of things changing in the lives of the people around me. As a result, it has left me feeling abandoned and alone at times. I experience a great deal of pain when I get the feeling of abandonment, as it brings up past wounds. But, to tell you the truth, I am amazed at how God gets me through each day. It is a reminder that he is going to continue to carry me, especially during the next few weeks. I leave on Friday for home because God amazingly provided a ticket for me to fly back! I am so thankful. On Sunday, my family leaves to go to Philly for my dad’s surgery, which is going to be on Monday morning, April 24th. I keep imagining myself sitting in the hospital, waiting for...

hangin' with my girls is good. so good. it certainly brings out my inner thug. bah haha!! seriously though, being with my girls is like being ME. no holding back. no regrets. no worries. no wondering what they think about me or what i said. they think i'm funny. they think i'm kind and sweet. they love me for ME. and the same with me. i think they're halarious! they make me laugh. i love their stories. i love hearing about their lives. we open up our hearts with each other. we laugh. we share. we cry. we joke, but we love. God has created us to be relational. think about it. we are born to TWO parents. it doesn't always stay that way, but it takes two people to create one person. then, that makes at least a family of three, not to mention brothers, sisters, grandparetns, aunts, uncles. the Bible is huge on families. Jesus was huge on relationships. i love relationships!! they're good for the heart, the soul, the mind, emotions...they're so GOOD. my girls are...

hangin' with my girls is good. so good. it certainly brings out my inner thug. bah haha!! seriously though, being with my girls is like being ME. no holding back. no regrets. no worries. no wondering what they think about me or what i said. they think i'm funny. they think i'm kind and sweet. they love me for ME. and the same with me. i think they're halarious! they make me laugh. i love their stories. i love hearing about their lives. we open up our hearts with each other. we laugh. we share. we cry. we joke, but we love. God has created us to be relational. think about it. we are born to TWO parents. it doesn't always stay that way, but it takes two people to create one person. then, that makes at least a family of three, not to mention brothers, sisters, grandparetns, aunts, uncles. the Bible is huge on families. Jesus was huge on relationships. i love relationships!! they're good for the heart, the soul, the mind, emotions...they're so GOOD. my girls are...

i will be flying home in about a week and a half. i leave here on friday, april 21. most of my time "home" will be spent in philly at the hospital. i actually get to be back for 18 days which is a huge blessing!! my dad's surgery is now scheduled for monday, april 24. i say this all the time to myself, and maybe even people, i don't know...but i just can't believe it. i just can't. my dad's desire is that God uses this to reach the doctors, nurses, and "indian chiefs" for HIM. i think that is becoming the desire of my heart as well. mom and i (and possibly the boys) will be spending lots of hours in the hospital, possibly around the same people for many days in a row. God can work! i am confident of that, and even more, i know He will. i don't doubt it.

well, a bit of relief came today when dad called me on my lunch break. he does not have an infection in his blood. (thank you Lord!) but, he does have an infection in his valves. the surgery will now be either the 17th or 18th of april. i will most likely fly in on Easter Sunday (16th) and stay until may 1. i found out today that if i miss 2 weeks of work, i should still be able to keep my benefits, or i can take a family medical leave for up to 4 months. that is a huge relief and i am so thankful God is providing for me in these ways. i absolutely knew he would take care of me, but it's so comforting to see it happen already. still not sure what will happen with my original plane ticket, but have no doubt God has it under control. it brings such warmth to my heart to know i will be in the presence of my parents in two weeks. knowing that my dad will be undergoing severe open heart surgery is not so pleasant, but at least we'll be journeying together, instead of me ju...

my dad has to have open heart surgery. again. he was born with defective heart valves, and so about 7 years ago had one replaced with a pig valve. since then, it's been sort of a joke that dad has a pig part in him, but our recent news has taken on a whole new dimension of the pig valve. that pig apparently had a defective valve also. or, it has beome defective since it's been inplanted. either way, dad is having another surgery to fix two leaking valves. at first, we were informed that the surgery would take place some time near the end of may. through a lengthy chain of events, it now looks like the surgery could be this week, or possibly the 17th of april. tomorrow we get test results back where we will find out whether or not dad has an infection in his blood. for some reason, there is suspicion to believe there could be. this further compicates things. if he does have an infection, then he will have to go immediately back down to philly to have an iv of anti-bi...

today is the saboth day. the day of rest. God knew what he was doing when he intended a day of rest for us. when he designed a day of rest for us. he didn't say, "go to a church building, sit in a pew, pretend you want to be there, try to stay awake during the sermon, greet one another after the service that you've sat in on for a thousand times before, go home, eat lunch, and there! you kept the saboth holy." ok, i know that sounded quite fecicious, but i am tired. the job i have allows me to sit down maybe forty minutes out of the whole day, maybe. it's an exhausting job at times. my legs ache, my back is in pain, i get headaches, my throat gets dry and scratchy, i deal with the stress of working in a high volume store. not to mention the emotional exhaustion. pretending to be friendly and chipper all day long, like starbucks is the best place in the world to be! some days it's fine, but by the end of the week, i am spent. tired. exhausted. and t...

i guess pain is a part of life. in one passage of the Bible it says that suffering produces perseverance and stronger faith. while i belive that's true, i don't believe that God intended for us to have to suffer when he created us. some how when hard times come, God can turn them into good. i don't know how he does it, but he's sovereign, and i'll never understand that. he is good, i believe that. but, that doesn't mean we won't suffer. because people suffer. i suffer. i hurt. i ache. don't you? as i sat across from a friend last night, pouring out her wounded heart to me, my heart ached to see the tears in her eyes. my heart ached to hear about her wounds from the past, and her wounds being deepend right now. fear and sorrow gripped her. i felt helpless. i felt angry for her. we shared a bond. we have both suffered, and for that, we are connected to the soul. pain is unifying. pain is vulnerability. pain is being alone. pain sucks....

Full of Joy i received a delightful email this morning from one of my oh-so-loving brothers informing me that my blog is boring. (hhhmmm...based on the facts, can anyone guess which one?) to which i replied. "you ween." we have a very warm relationship. "you ween." means, "i love you! even though you ARE a ween." i was simply emailing people to inform them that my blog was up, not to entertain them with professional writings. so back off chump. don't mess with this. i love you ween!

i honestly don't know why i am still up. i am tired. my eyes are half closed, and my body aches. i have been rather nastalgic lately. i am a writer. i guess that makes me artsy. i have never thought of myself as artsy, but to me, my writing is an art. it's some thing my Father has given me a passion for. he designed me to feel things passionately. he created me to be dramatic and to be expressive. i am thankful that God formed me this way. perfect. beautiful. in his eyes i am. i love that. i love that i love to write. i love that he can use my writing to affect others. i am glad that when i write something ignites inside me. a fire that fills me with joy to my very core. he is smiling at me- his child, his creation, and he is glorified when i come alive doing the things he created me to do. it's a full circle moment. (says oprah!) i am fully alive when i write. hence the reason i am up so late rambling my heart to no one. but in the midst of my rambli...