Full of Joy

thanks for all your comments and most importantly for your PRAYERS. it is around 5 pm east coast time. they just came in and said that my dad's heart is "all back together"...they are waiting to see if it clots well and that it doesn't bleed uncontrolably. we still have a couple hours. keep praying. this takes so much time. i praise God for Dr. Bavaria. i want to give him a huge hug. keep praying!! keep praying. thank you so much. thank you, Father for your peace. mom and i just cried together a little. expressing our thoughts and feelings. this is so hard. there's a possibility that dad could have a stroke...so please pray AGAINST that in the coming hours and days. God's presence is here. HIS peace is with us.

i am back in the computer room. johnny and i are next to each other again. i am tired. i think this is what extreme exhaustion feels like. it's hard to describe. i went to bed around midnight last night...it was one of those nights where i don't feel like i slept at all. i got up at 4:30 this morning. my eyes feel like glue. i went to lunch at the "spice of life" cafeteria . ok, don't know where the "spice" comes from in the name. oh well, it's the hospital. i got a starlight latte from the hospital cafe...yet again i am constantly reminding myself, starbucks is the only place to get a latte! ha! when we got back to the surgical family lounge, the back room, where our group has moved in and taken over (actually, we've been asked twice to quiet down) i received the newest update...it's halftime for dad. they were just about done with his first valve, and were moving on to the second. the first half of surgery went well. (thank you FATHER!) and...

it is now around noon. we all just trooped back from starbucks. i will be frequenting there a lot. it smells like "home" to me in there. it has a comorting aroma to me. right before we left, my real good friends, jen and m showed up! then, while we were at starbucks, tim and barb woodard came. we all have a big back room to ourselves. dad is undergoing surgery right now. it's really weird to think about. he's laying upstairs in a cold, sterile room, chest up, exopsed, on an operating table...heart stopped, the surgeon at work on him. shivers. shivers. that's where i stop. we're still at peace. God's presence is upon us.

i have imagined myself being a writer from the beach- sitting next to the ocean, the breeze gently blowing wisps of hair around my face, the beach sprawled for miles beside me, the sun blazing miraculously above me, the story flowing from my pen...never have i imagined myself writing from THE SURGICAL FAMILY LOUNGE. there are three rooms full of chairs, a couple flat screen tv's, a coffee area for family's of surgical patients only, and a computer room, where i am currently residing. johnny is on the computer next to me. we just said our hard- oh so hard- good byes to my dad. we got here (university of penn hospital) a little before 6:30 this morning. my mom, aunt cynthy, john mark, mel and peg walker, and pastor have all been waiting with dad, still in his normal clothes for 2 1/2 hours. we finally got called up, and went to a "new" waiting room. there, we stood and waited for only a moment before the guy in his scrubs came to get my dad. (i think it's a good sig...

i'm home. it's emotional, but i'm where i belong. we leave for philly tomorrow afternoon. we will go to my aunt's tomorrow night, have dinner, sleep over...and then be at the hospital by 6:30 am. it's a fearful thought. mom says it's a sin to worry or be afraid, and i would agree. fear is not of God. he says he does not give us a spirit of fear but of something else. ha. i can't remember what that something else is, but i know it's not of fear! ha! that's all that matters. it's hard not to fear when i know painful things are ahead. mom says we hope in Jesus because no matter what happends, God is my hope. and no matter what happends, God is taking care of my dad, her, luke, johnny, and me...no matter what. even if things turn out in a way we don't think we can handle...Jesus is our hope. Jesus will take care of us. He will. He will. He will. help my hope to be in YOU, Father. our hope. all of us. together.

You guys are awesome! Thank you to so many of you who have been praying for me so faithfully! I am comforted, and so encouraged by that. I am always in awe when some one tells me that they are specifically praying for me. The past several weeks have actually been a little rough. There are a lot of things changing in the lives of the people around me. As a result, it has left me feeling abandoned and alone at times. I experience a great deal of pain when I get the feeling of abandonment, as it brings up past wounds. But, to tell you the truth, I am amazed at how God gets me through each day. It is a reminder that he is going to continue to carry me, especially during the next few weeks. I leave on Friday for home because God amazingly provided a ticket for me to fly back! I am so thankful. On Sunday, my family leaves to go to Philly for my dad’s surgery, which is going to be on Monday morning, April 24th. I keep imagining myself sitting in the hospital, waiting for...

hangin' with my girls is good. so good. it certainly brings out my inner thug. bah haha!! seriously though, being with my girls is like being ME. no holding back. no regrets. no worries. no wondering what they think about me or what i said. they think i'm funny. they think i'm kind and sweet. they love me for ME. and the same with me. i think they're halarious! they make me laugh. i love their stories. i love hearing about their lives. we open up our hearts with each other. we laugh. we share. we cry. we joke, but we love. God has created us to be relational. think about it. we are born to TWO parents. it doesn't always stay that way, but it takes two people to create one person. then, that makes at least a family of three, not to mention brothers, sisters, grandparetns, aunts, uncles. the Bible is huge on families. Jesus was huge on relationships. i love relationships!! they're good for the heart, the soul, the mind, emotions...they're so GOOD. my girls are...

hangin' with my girls is good. so good. it certainly brings out my inner thug. bah haha!! seriously though, being with my girls is like being ME. no holding back. no regrets. no worries. no wondering what they think about me or what i said. they think i'm funny. they think i'm kind and sweet. they love me for ME. and the same with me. i think they're halarious! they make me laugh. i love their stories. i love hearing about their lives. we open up our hearts with each other. we laugh. we share. we cry. we joke, but we love. God has created us to be relational. think about it. we are born to TWO parents. it doesn't always stay that way, but it takes two people to create one person. then, that makes at least a family of three, not to mention brothers, sisters, grandparetns, aunts, uncles. the Bible is huge on families. Jesus was huge on relationships. i love relationships!! they're good for the heart, the soul, the mind, emotions...they're so GOOD. my girls are...

i will be flying home in about a week and a half. i leave here on friday, april 21. most of my time "home" will be spent in philly at the hospital. i actually get to be back for 18 days which is a huge blessing!! my dad's surgery is now scheduled for monday, april 24. i say this all the time to myself, and maybe even people, i don't know...but i just can't believe it. i just can't. my dad's desire is that God uses this to reach the doctors, nurses, and "indian chiefs" for HIM. i think that is becoming the desire of my heart as well. mom and i (and possibly the boys) will be spending lots of hours in the hospital, possibly around the same people for many days in a row. God can work! i am confident of that, and even more, i know He will. i don't doubt it.

well, a bit of relief came today when dad called me on my lunch break. he does not have an infection in his blood. (thank you Lord!) but, he does have an infection in his valves. the surgery will now be either the 17th or 18th of april. i will most likely fly in on Easter Sunday (16th) and stay until may 1. i found out today that if i miss 2 weeks of work, i should still be able to keep my benefits, or i can take a family medical leave for up to 4 months. that is a huge relief and i am so thankful God is providing for me in these ways. i absolutely knew he would take care of me, but it's so comforting to see it happen already. still not sure what will happen with my original plane ticket, but have no doubt God has it under control. it brings such warmth to my heart to know i will be in the presence of my parents in two weeks. knowing that my dad will be undergoing severe open heart surgery is not so pleasant, but at least we'll be journeying together, instead of me ju...

my dad has to have open heart surgery. again. he was born with defective heart valves, and so about 7 years ago had one replaced with a pig valve. since then, it's been sort of a joke that dad has a pig part in him, but our recent news has taken on a whole new dimension of the pig valve. that pig apparently had a defective valve also. or, it has beome defective since it's been inplanted. either way, dad is having another surgery to fix two leaking valves. at first, we were informed that the surgery would take place some time near the end of may. through a lengthy chain of events, it now looks like the surgery could be this week, or possibly the 17th of april. tomorrow we get test results back where we will find out whether or not dad has an infection in his blood. for some reason, there is suspicion to believe there could be. this further compicates things. if he does have an infection, then he will have to go immediately back down to philly to have an iv of anti-bi...

today is the saboth day. the day of rest. God knew what he was doing when he intended a day of rest for us. when he designed a day of rest for us. he didn't say, "go to a church building, sit in a pew, pretend you want to be there, try to stay awake during the sermon, greet one another after the service that you've sat in on for a thousand times before, go home, eat lunch, and there! you kept the saboth holy." ok, i know that sounded quite fecicious, but i am tired. the job i have allows me to sit down maybe forty minutes out of the whole day, maybe. it's an exhausting job at times. my legs ache, my back is in pain, i get headaches, my throat gets dry and scratchy, i deal with the stress of working in a high volume store. not to mention the emotional exhaustion. pretending to be friendly and chipper all day long, like starbucks is the best place in the world to be! some days it's fine, but by the end of the week, i am spent. tired. exhausted. and t...