Full of Joy

i can't get my thoughts in gear. i've started to blog about 3 times now, and ended up deleting the posts. i don't know what my deal is. there are many things swimming through my thoughts, soul, and heart. i think what it comes down to is i've been reserving my heart for one of my journals lately. i guess i am going through a more private journey right now. no offense to faithful readers- i love you all. :) i'm in a blog funk, but wanted to at least give a shout out! i'm off to my happy place- in bed with my journal, fan blazing in the background on this warm summer evening....

i don't know when it happened- but it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me. somewhere during the past little while (quite vague, i know!) God has been teaching my heart to live FOR today, live IN today, and LOVE today. that means gone are the days i am living for what's next. gone are the days i am living for the future. gone are the days i am living for what i thought my life was supposed to be. that doesn't mean i am giving up my dreams- in fact, it has helped me realize that i AM living some of my dreams already, and i wasn't even aware of it. i have been so blinded by my pre-conceived notions about my life, and where it "should" be that i have missed so many days of the HERE and NOW. today is a great day! and i mean that. even the past several gloomy, rainy, yucky days have been great. and it's not been about my circumstances- no! it's been about my heart. God's powerful work in my heart- sweetly whispering to me ...

i've reached new heights today. i'm quite proud of myself, actually. i am sitting here on a rainy, cold, dreary sunday in my sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt. still freezing to death, i thought to myself, "i want a cup of coffee". and there it is folks. just me- all by myself wanting my own cup of coffee. i can hear it brewing in my little kitchen, and it makes me feel so cozy and warm already just listening to that steam acomin'. i am going to pick a special mug and sip til my hearts content. the aroma, the warmth, the feeling- it's a funny world that i have delved into- this coffee world. oh- it's beeping, it's done. my first, very OWN pot of coffee is ready and waiting for ME!

i can't sleep. my skin is crawling. i itch everywhere. i feel tingly sensations all over my body. even my own shadow makes me jump. it all started about 2 weeks ago. one morning, around 6 freaking a.m., i went out to my little garage- which i use to protect me from villans, mind you- and there in the corner was this huge, and i mean huge- spider. i think it's safe to call him a tarantula. i freaked. there is no way i can walk to my car door without walking by the stinkin' beast. he haunts me every time i get in my car, every time i close the garage door, and every time i pull my car back in. this has been going on for days. DAYS! a lot of times- it's the first thought in my head when my alarm goes off. "ugh. that spider is waiting for me in the garage..." and it REALLY disturbs me. i think about him throughout my day- and a lot of times i itch, or slap at myself, thinking a spider is on me. so then comes last night. i pull in the garage, get ou...