Full of Joy

there is too much to say, and not enough words to say it with.

this year, i think more then any other year, i have profoundly learned more about Christmas then i ever have before. it's been a process of one thing after another this season- and i think it all started to come together last night (eve) and today (christmas day). there are many ideas/wonders/thoughts/ponderings making their entrance into my beliefs. i woke up this morning so thankful for Jesus and His life on earth that i laid in bed, overcome with emotion over what He did for me. He came to this little world of mine to show me how to live. He did it, and that means i can, too. (thanks dan.) He loves me that much. this all makes me really, really happy. merry christmas to all. my love to you. happy birthday, Jesus...

a part of my heart is hurting tonight. it's strange, really. i had to say my final good-bye to my beloved, red, jeep liberty. anyone who knows me at all pretty much realizes the depth of my love for this vehicle. i don't think most people understand this. i loved my car. really loved. it meant so much to me for so many different reasons. liberty is freedom from control- and in a sense, when i bought my first SUV it indeed represented to me freedom from control. freedom from a lot of things. my dad and i went together and he walked with me through the process of buying a car. we bonded in such a special way during that time. i will never forget that as long as i live. just me, and dad. i ended up driving my liberty from pa to mn when i moved. my liberty has always been a piece of home for me. i waited over a year to get mn plates. my liberty was a connection to my family, to my home, to my heart. yet, i was freed from the control of so many things in my life th...

i can't fathom christmas. there is too much going on at one time to really get it all. i can't understand that christmas is this tuesday. i just found out that this year (as we party with my mom's side) my family will be celebrating christmas two days later at a mexican restaurant. my great grandfather and great grandmother owned a restaraunt (apparently she made the best pies ever made!) and that building is now a mexican restaurant. that is where the food eating festivities will happen- followed by "gag gifts" at one my my aunt and unlce's houses. this side of the fam is not so much into "normal" traditions. i like this. i like my family. i can't wait to get to my grandma's! that is the one place you never have to doubt the pluthera of mountain dew and m 'n m's. i am really diggin' the mexican restautant thing. i feel so nastalgic being in the building where my great grandparents used to cook and serve and where my grandma grew ...

i do quite miss my finger. i can't really type very well, so i will not be writing a very lengthy post. writing is my outlet, and "missing" a finger really hinders that endeavor. even using a pen or fork is weird. it's interesting being injured for a day or two- crazy stories to tell, some thing creepy to constantly evaluate, etc. i've grown weary of it though. it's making every day living more difficult and i don't rather like it. i imagine i still have an ordeal to go through before it's all said and done. i won't describe that ordeal as it's rather gross. the body is a mystery to me. i'm oh-so fascinated by God's creation of it. poor finger- i feel bad for you.

i have sorely, sorely missed table time. i didn't realize the extent of how MUCH i missed table time until i experienced table time again in the flesh tonight. it has been too, too long. i love you table time.

"It's not who you knew, or what you did....it's how you lived." i just want to be the best version of me i can possibly be.

i can't escape the arachnoids. i knew they were stalking me, and i was right. i woke up in the night the other night with a pain in my thigh. i thought, "oh brother. another bruise from work." this happends all the time. i rolled onto my other side and moved on with my sleep. the next morning as i was preparing for my day, something on my thigh caught my eye. i leaned in closer to examine and what do i see? some sort of knot/welt with a perfect red circle outlining it. it was about the size of an oreo cookie. ish. i carried on with my day- no big deal. the next day, it was still annoying me. i could feel it when i moved...just like a bruise. i complained to a co-worker (i have this thing about feeling the need to express injuries, illnesses,bodily functions, etc. ) and she instantly freaked. she told me i should go to the doctor in case it was a spider bite. ISH. it had been in the back of my mind all along, but i had refused to go there. i called my aunt, wh...

for as long as i can remember, we've been best friends. i'm not sure when my mom turned into my friend...but it happened. we became more then mother-daughter. mom and i talk about every thing under the sun. she knows me, and understands me more then any one else in this entire universe. our bond is so strong, and we know each other so well that we can almost never keep secrets from each other. today i got a package. the slip arrived yesterday informing me to pick up my package today some time after 6:30 am. i rolled out of bed this morning feeling quite lousy with a cold. i was drudging my way to the kitchen when i spotted the slip on our note board. instantly an excited "oh yeah!" surged throug me. i threw on a pair of old jeans, my pink boots, a hat, scarf, and puffy coat, prepared to fight the storm and get to the post office. as i was bracing the wind, the snow smacking my face, i thought, "wouldn't it be nice if my package was something warm to...

i saw my first starbucks christmas commercial tonight. i know i am supposed to be ultra loyal, and i totally am...but i have to admit, the commercial was a bit lame. a girl hugs a bear..."peppermint white mocha" (which happends to be an excellent beverage) comes up...they remind us to "pass the cheer" and then it's done. hhhmm...for all the money they spent doing that, i honestly expected just a bit more then that...

i walked in the door the other night to find the tv shoved into the middle of the room. swz was shoved in the corner, tanlged up in all kinds of cords. the sounds of angry comments, accompanied by angry growls filled the air. "what'cha doin' back there?" i asked. "i'm so done with only 4 stations. all i want to do is watch a freaking football game on 45." a few minutes later i hear her on the phone with her grandma. she was looking for some sordof electronic doo-dad that she thought for sure would re-instate the 3 channels we lost when we got the new tv. you see, we used to have 7 channels total- not anymore. grandma was no help. me: "did you check under the futon?" badda-bing! the doo-dad was found. i was the hero! at this point, i left for the evening. upon my return, i cautiously asked, "did you get back the channels?" to which swz replied: "yes i did." me: "really?!" the cable arrives thursday.

there was a farmer who had a dog, and bingo was his name-o. pretty sure i played bingo tonight. like the real deal bingo. it really exists. i am now the proud new owner of a dabbin' fever dotter. i totally played B-I-N-G-O tonight.

i have this enormous craving for pumpkin pie. no joke. i was grocery shopping tonight...only had to get 2 things. i left with two bags full! anyway, i was totally smacked in the face every aisle my cart turned down with thanksgiving. i could't help it! this craving for pumpkin pie just engulfed me. i was over in the bakery section and i saw the pp on sale! but i didn't want, and certainly didn't need an entire pp! i looked for half pies, but they only came in the fruit kind. that would just not do. i wanted pumpkin! so i thought to myself, i have my "special" ice cream in the freezer right now, and how perfect would that go with a nice, big piece of pp? hhhmmm...but they only came in full pie form! too much for me. i just wanted a mere slice. i thought, maybe i should just stop at baker's square. no- too much of a hassle for a dumb piece of pie. but it's thanksgiving week, and i really want it now! so that's when it came to me. this glorious realizatio...

these things are never expected. never imagined. i was standing in my lil kitchen, fixing myself some supper. it was beenies and weenies night, and i was quite looking forward to sitting down, finishing a movie, eating my yummy food, and just resting. i had several burners of my stove going when out of nowhere i hear this odd, sordof mini-explosion. i glanced out my living room window and sweet mercy! what did i see? but a FIRE blazing right outside! i rushed to the blinds and pushed them back to get a better view. craziness! the dumpster, directly outside my window was up in flames! fire was just shooting wildly out the top. i starred at it for a second and then grabbed my phone. i thought i should call 911, but then i wasn't sure. every time i've had to call 911, i always debate first. i never want to bother them with something that really isn't an emergency. i looked again at the fire, and thought, "well, the flames are shooting out...." i dialed....

any empty pizza box. the case for "you've got mail" laying on the floor. empty coffee mugs. movie ticket stubs in my purse. my new white coat with new coffee stains strewn on the coach. a wallet on the counter. a precious new christmas ornament. an empty can of livewire mountain dew. an empty baby can of a & w's root beer. i love getting up in the morning and seeing different objects around that speak of the evening from the night before. i love nights like last night. the movies with two close friends- martian child. sooooo good. then coming home and just bein ' in my sweats and tank top. i made a comment to swz that it wasn't fair because someday it was gonna be her, her boyfriend, and my boyfriend watching football while i slept on the couch. i told her it was a lose, lose, lose situation for me. she smiled and said, "no. you win because you'd have a boyfriend." ah. true. well, truth be told. i love saturday nights in ...

i am so beyond excited for christmas i can hardly handle it! it is starbucks christmas eve! tomorrow morning, i will arrive at 6:28 am to a magical, christmas wonderland! the mall christmas lights are lit all day now, and the ginormous wreaths with lights are hung, too! i will arrive a couple moments before mike, and gaze giddily through the windows, soaking in all the new cheer. there will be posters and pictures and reds and whites and mugs and christmas blend at every turn and ornaments and decorations and signs. there will be red cups in all shapes and sizes. there will be christmas small handle bags and christmas pastry bags. (these people don't miss a thing!) the dorothy ruby red shoes trays will be ready for me to display all the new holiday pastries! THEN, in our red tshirts, mike and i will enter the magical wonderland and i will just soak it all in! i will head straight to the back and turn on the new christmas music! i will set up the pastries and breathe in the...

Full House: the complete series came out today, for the first time. oh my word. it's actually on sale at best buy. sigh. the COMPLETE series.

i'm a big girl. i don't know when it happened, but here i am. adult. on my own. independant. i am 25 years old. looks pretty young on paper, but i feel sometimes as if my life is passing me by while i chill on the sidelines. when i consider it logically- no. absolutely i am being proactive about certain parts of me. my heart is engaged, and my heart loves- oh deeply loves the people around me, and then there's the God of my life. *smile* that phrase just makes me smile. i came across this psalm today- 42:8. by day the Lord directs his love, at night his song is with me- a prayer to the God of my life . saying the God of my life makes me feel possessive, a bit shy, proud, and it proves that i am in love with Him. i really am. the hard part is trying to grasp this love of His for me. it should be easy to believe in. it should be easy to accept. i have always been an easy lover. i just love people, things, activities, foods, colors, quirks, music...it's nat...

"you know what you're supposed to do- you don't like quitting because you're afraid of the unknown." yes. i am afraid of the unknown. where does my responsibility lie? (lay? whatever. i hate grammar.) do i quit something that drains my soul? OR do i act responsibly and do what i need to do to pay the bills- even though i am betraying myself, my very soul, my heart? i am in quite a bit of debt. i feel i am left with no choice at all. how long? how long must i agonize over what is my life? how long must i WAIT? i have become quite good at pretending. mostly to convince myself that i can CHOOSE to be happy. no matter my circumstances, i can make the choice to be happy- even if i'm not doing what i want to do. but, what is that anyway? i have been hurt. not hurt in a major, huge, out-of-commission way. but, hurt none the less. i have been dragging around this burden for what feels like weeks and weeks. it has affected me more then i choose to admit. at th...

Realize Take time to realize, That your warmth is. Crashing down on in. Take time to realize, That I am on your side Didn't I, Didn't I tell you. But I can't spell it out for you, No it's never gonna be that simple No I cant spell it out for you If you just realize what I just realized, Then we'd be perfect for each other and will never find another Just realized what I just realized we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now. Take time to realize I'm on your side didn't I, didn't I tell you. Take time to realize This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you But I can't spell it out for you, no its never gonna be that simple no I can't spell it out for you. It's not always the same no it's never the same if you don't feel it too. If you meet me half way If you would meet me half way. It could be the same for you. ~colbie caillat colbie ROCKS.

they (who is "they" anyways?) say a picture speaks more then a thousand words. i say a gift speaks more then a thousand words as well. but, it is also true that words do speak for themselves. what happeneds when all three are received at the same time? for me, a bursting heart. a heart so touched, and so awed, and so humbled it just wants to hide. i was given such a gift the other night by my church community. a REAL book (not a scrapbook) was made just for me. it has pictures, and a sort-of letter written to me that i get to treasure forever now. i was quite caught off guard, and was speechless as i was presented such a jewel. i sqeaked out an awkward "thank you..." and wished for some deep, profound words that i could grace the people with. instead i sat there starring at my very own book, running my fingers softly over the glazed cover. awestruck. the book contained priceless memories from one of the most special nights i was blessed to be a part of. wha...

hey all! my first post for consumed is published right now! you can read it at: www.consumedministries.com scroll down a bit, and you can click on "click here for our main blog!" then you will find my post...it's called "blood"...no worries! it has nothing to do with halloween. ICK.

it's about 6:20 am. it's dark. it's chilli. i am bustling my way down several flights of outdoor stairs to get to the door of the MOA that i am allowed to enter with my badge. with my sweatshirt pulled tightly around me i walk as briskly as possible to make it to my store a few minutes before scheduled. i rush past the guard (who actually was MIA this morning!) and down the long corridor to get to the escalator. my mind is in a fog, my typical morning state. but, something manages to catch my eye this morning. i slowly lift my head...and what do i see but thousands of twinkling, sparkling, tiny, bright white christmas lights! hundreds of strands hung from the highest point in the ceiling- three stories up. my heart danced inside me. it was warmed to the very depths. i jogged up the escalator to get to my floor, and stood on the balcony gazing all around me- surrounded by the beautiful, cheery, warm, sparkly, twinkly lights. i looked as high as the lights went, and then lean...

it's true. it is now 12:30am, and i can't sleep. again. i haven't even tried to get into bed yet- i just know. i know the feeling of when i won't be able to sleep. i do NOT want to crawl in my covers- toss and turn, roll around, mess up the nice, tight sheets, and get all tangled. so, here i sit. i have read everyone's blog on my list- and even connected to other's blogs on other's lists. still. no sleep has come. i know the drill. in a little bit, i'll probably take my trusty tylenol pm. (thanks kristi! and don't worry people- jeff doesn't read my blogs!) the funny thing is, tonight i kinda know why i can't sleep. do you ever just NOT want to be left alone with your thoughts? with things that are going on? the silence just drives me CRAZY. i have been walking around, and at any minute if there's a chance for silence, i shove my ipod in my ears. i can't take it. i don't want to think. i don't want to know. ...

i have been inspired twice lately to blog. the thing is, i have also committed to writing a blog for consumed once a month. this makes me feel like anytime i am inspired (not counting the quirky, weird kind of blogs) i need to submit it to consumed. thus, my own personal blog is lacking. i was instructed that i am not allowed to "double-blog". i will inform you, my faithful readers, when my blogs are posted by consumed- so you can read them over there. stayed tuned: maybe some weird, quirky thing will happen to me today that i will be allowed to write about.... :)

i've been rediscovering my inner night owl. for the past two years, i have made a valiant effort to turn myself into a morning person. i've gotten up at 5am for many, many months now. i prefer opening at my store because i love getting work out of the way for the day. i do not hate my job, but i hate going to work. (this would mean ANY job that i have to do. don't mistake that to mean i don't like hard work. i was raised to value hard work, and to be hard working. it's just of my beliefs that a career is not the kind of hard work i want to be doing...) anyways.... most recently i have been scheduled to close my store for the whole weekend. half my week is spent getting up at 5am, and half my week is spent staying up til 5am. (not really that late, but you get the picture.) when i close, i get home around 11:15pm or so. i am wired at that point. i just spent the entire afternoon, and night at work: cleaning, dealing with customers, teaching other partne...

My heart? What is my heart saying right now? My heart wants to express my deepest gratitude to all of you who prayed for the AG Silver/Cornerstone Benefit Concert last night. All day long, I received precious texts, voicemails, emails, cards, facebook posts, and encouraging notes everywhere I turned. Thank you. God was HUGE yesterday. HUGE. He and I had some powerful moments, and I’m thankful we actually had quite a bit of time to ourselves. I know a lot of you were praying about my car situation. It’s a crazy story- but LONG story short, I asked for prayer for it to be fixed by 4pm central time. Right after sending out that email, I got down on my knees, asked God for my car back and left it in His hands. I got my car back at 2:45 pm AND got a nice, unexpected mile run in! Later that day, I ended up driving a friend around who really needed to get some things taken care of, so God had more in mind for getting it fixed then even I could know! Thank you for praying…thank you...

whew! i can't believe i just said, "whew!" i have reached a new level of nervousness/excitement about the upcoming concert. it is only a mere 3 nights away. (i like to think in terms of how many nights of sleep i have until the said occasion) tonight at church we had a long discussion about roles that need to be taken care of for this event. as details were discussed, i was sitting there getting nervous. my stomach suddenly had a big, tight knot in it. i looked over at swz and said, "oh my word. i'm getting sick all of the sudden..." she looked me straight in the eye and said, "look at all these people taking care of stuff! you're not doing this alone...it's gonna be awesome!" boom. that's my friend and roommate in a nutshell. ever supportive, ever strong, ever encouraging. (don't ever let her fool you otherwise!) then we all split up into groups and prayed for this special, SPECIAL night that is about to come forth. powerful night....

sometimes i sit at my computer and really have the desire to write a blog- but nothing happens. i type up a couple different paragraphs, then erase them all. tonight- all the things on my mind are more secret things, i guess. i don't often think about my blog audience, i just write what's there. but at certain times- i have to filter. normally this would be the type of paragraph that i would delete. not tonight. this is getting published. i'm not that tired. i could probably fall asleep, but for secret reasons, it will be an unrestful night. i think i'll watch the last episode of season 3. i've been saving it for a special occasion.

i never slept last night. not for one measley second. it was pure misery. after several hours of tossing and turning and putting on the covers and throwing off the covers, i started to freak out. horrors. i finished a book. i visited the bathroom a couple times. i tied a bandana around my eyes to keep out any form of light. i prayed. i quoted scripture. i renounced the enemy, who i was convinced was attacking me. finally, at about 3:30 am, i began to sob and sob and sob. i miss my family so much it just hurts. homesickness is a heart-wrenching disease. after about 45 minutes of tears, i felt a little more calm. thought maybe i'd get an hour of sleep. nope. turns out, i got up and got ready really slowly. i even put curlers in my hair to take up more time. i don't know WHY i couldn't sleep. i thought about a lot of things during those six hours of a restless night. i wasn't particularly worried, just have a lot on my mind, i guess. nothing to lose an EN...

I am sitting here in my living room, drinking my third cup of Pike’s Place Blend, (for those of you who don’t know- you can only buy PP in Seattle, at the very first Starbucks! A good friend got it for me on her last visit there.) keeping cozy on this dreary day. There have been loads of things going on in my life, but I am narrowing it down to only one to share with you today! God created this dream in my heart several months ago- one that, at the beginning, I really didn’t think would ever pan out. But what an amazing, creative, powerful, and glorious God I know! He has brought this dream to an actual reality and it is about to take place a week from tomorrow. You see, I have a friend who plays in a band (the drummer- for those of you know my freak passion for the drums!). AG Silver was looking for venues as they were starting their tour. Friends and I saw them in concert several months ago, loved them, and so I thought it would be amazing to have them co...

i survived my first close in like a year. i'm already thinking of things i forgot. overall i think it went well. i'll find out when i arrive back there in the morning. the best part was, the night went by really fast! it's a scary thing this closing business. i was literally sick to my stomach and shaky b'c i had not closed in so long. it was quite weird. i've been there for almost 4 years and used to constantly close. i have concluded it was change that got me uptight. change is never easy for me. but i am embracing change in so many ways in my life. people may not be able to see, but there's a part of me that's a whole new me. i missed my regular customers tonight. my morning friends were long gone by the time i got in. sad. i'm real tired, but wired. night.

i don't know if i'm completely out of my rut, but i am certainly getting there. i really do not know what my "deal" is. i spent the day trying not to waste it by being down. i woke up early (5:38 am, what can i say- it's such a routine now!) and never had a restful sleep, so i got up sometime after 9 am. i tried reading my Bible, praying, journaling, etc. but ended up just feeling BLAH and i fell asleep again. i felt weird all day- like i couldn't shake this sadness in me, and it made me very sleepy and wanting to sleep. i won't give you every detail of my day, but it was sunny and warm and beautiful- and i so desperately wanted to feel like that inside. i sensed God leading me to go to this prayer night, so i went. i thought i was going to know one other person, so i was a bit nervous showing up. when i got there- my very own friend and her girls were standing at the door! i was so surprised. then, i found out more of my friends were there, too...

i've been stuck in a post-vacation rut all week. my heart has been miserable, aching. i can not even define what it is that has plagued me to the point of sorrow. i've literally been grieving all week long. i don't think people at work could tell- i do like my job, and i enjoyed being there. but when i got home, i mourned. i layed around on the couch a lot, watched a lot of gilmore girls (because going to stars hollow is going to such a happy place!) and drank A LOT, and mean A LOT of mountain dew. it's my accilese (sp?!) heel, what can i say. i could not be around people, and no desire to be. i simply just had to mourn. mainly, i think all of this is because my vacation was, indeed, so incredibly amazing. i was with every member of my family- all at the same time. we were together. i could cry even now just thinking about it. when i go back east, am reunited with my dear family, and then have to return to MN, i am always plagued with "why am i living...

there is an ASM position open for my store- but i am not allowed to apply for it. oh well. i'm fine with this. the higher ups say i have to grow more and work more on my development plan. i'm cool with that. most likely i will be transferred after christmas. i'm glad i have the stability of at least knowing what the next few months hold for me. plus, i love the MOA at christmas. i love starbucks at christmas. heck- i'm even actually looking forward to black friday at the moa. it's a thing we have. the more horrible it gets, the better we feel. it's hard to explain. i think it's the challenge, and we rise up, and conquer, and do it together. feels good. plus, a full day is over before noon since we have to arrive so early. anyway, all that conquering stuff reminds me of my role in this whole Body of Christ thing. it's a challenge, but we rise up, and conquer, and do it together. i'm thankful for all those who are doing this together w...

it's cold. i hate it. HATE it. this is the last you will hear me complain for the rest of this awful time of life- for the next AT LEAST 7 months you will not hear me utter these words aloud again. just know that i am miserable every waking moment of every murderous degree below 70. (and even that's pushin' it.) i am so angry about the cold it's hard to control the tears. alas, i am done complaining. i have a super cute new fall coat. that will be fun to wear. and i'm done.

ok. for real. i am at the OBX (in NC). i am ON the beach. it's in the late 70's...and it's evening. i have my own room, with my own bathroom attached. there is a porch swing right outside my window. there is a pool, again, on the beach. as well as a hot tub. there is a game room, with a flat screen tv. there are several fridges, several washer and dryers. several decks. several bed rooms, and bathrooms, pretty much several everthing. it sleeps 22 people. the house is so big, there is an elevator. need i say more?! AND, i am with my parents and close family friends. i could not be more happy. seriously. this has got to be Heaven on earth. seriously. i might actually have died and gone to Heaven.

it's in my blood. i have to write about Roots. i am a bit discouraged, though, because i keep asking people if they've heard of "Roots" and i have gotten, "the band?", "what are you talking about?", "what's that about?" no people! like i said, it's in my blood to spread the word about this thing called, "Roots". it's actually originally a book- written by a man named Alex Haley. it was then turned into a made-for-tv-movie series that was shown in the 70's. i was given the 573 minute series on dvd- and have watched it for the past 3 days, basically non-stop. i was so enammored with it all. it's a major history lesson about haley's first descendant who was brought to america as a slave. when bringing up the word, "slave", i hardly feel like i need to say anything more. that word is so loaded. so packed full of meaning, and horror, and....and so many things that i can not even begin to comprehend. ...

AH HA!! finally! revenge is MINE. i haven't done laundry since my parents left (if you don't know how long that is, i am not saying...it's way too long, and way too gross!). i finally got home today after a long week of work (praise the Lord i got overtime hours! bad for my manager- good for my wallet!). i separated all my clothes while chatting with one of my favorite friends in the world! i love multi-tasking! i decided to take my whites down to the basement laundry room first. so there i was, minding my own business, when suddenly OUT crawls a spider. no joke! RIGHT on top of the washing machine. at this point, i am FURIOUS! i instantly think, "You've been HIDING in my dirty sheets for this long?!" AND I'M DONE WITH SPIDERS. so i went to smash it with my bottle of bleach. i didn't get him all the way, but i DID successfully break a couple of his legs. it slowed him down. so then, he's still feebly hobbling around, so i evily decided to...

i can't get my thoughts in gear. i've started to blog about 3 times now, and ended up deleting the posts. i don't know what my deal is. there are many things swimming through my thoughts, soul, and heart. i think what it comes down to is i've been reserving my heart for one of my journals lately. i guess i am going through a more private journey right now. no offense to faithful readers- i love you all. :) i'm in a blog funk, but wanted to at least give a shout out! i'm off to my happy place- in bed with my journal, fan blazing in the background on this warm summer evening....

i don't know when it happened- but it's one of the best things that has ever happened to me. somewhere during the past little while (quite vague, i know!) God has been teaching my heart to live FOR today, live IN today, and LOVE today. that means gone are the days i am living for what's next. gone are the days i am living for the future. gone are the days i am living for what i thought my life was supposed to be. that doesn't mean i am giving up my dreams- in fact, it has helped me realize that i AM living some of my dreams already, and i wasn't even aware of it. i have been so blinded by my pre-conceived notions about my life, and where it "should" be that i have missed so many days of the HERE and NOW. today is a great day! and i mean that. even the past several gloomy, rainy, yucky days have been great. and it's not been about my circumstances- no! it's been about my heart. God's powerful work in my heart- sweetly whispering to me ...

i've reached new heights today. i'm quite proud of myself, actually. i am sitting here on a rainy, cold, dreary sunday in my sweats and a long sleeve t-shirt. still freezing to death, i thought to myself, "i want a cup of coffee". and there it is folks. just me- all by myself wanting my own cup of coffee. i can hear it brewing in my little kitchen, and it makes me feel so cozy and warm already just listening to that steam acomin'. i am going to pick a special mug and sip til my hearts content. the aroma, the warmth, the feeling- it's a funny world that i have delved into- this coffee world. oh- it's beeping, it's done. my first, very OWN pot of coffee is ready and waiting for ME!

i can't sleep. my skin is crawling. i itch everywhere. i feel tingly sensations all over my body. even my own shadow makes me jump. it all started about 2 weeks ago. one morning, around 6 freaking a.m., i went out to my little garage- which i use to protect me from villans, mind you- and there in the corner was this huge, and i mean huge- spider. i think it's safe to call him a tarantula. i freaked. there is no way i can walk to my car door without walking by the stinkin' beast. he haunts me every time i get in my car, every time i close the garage door, and every time i pull my car back in. this has been going on for days. DAYS! a lot of times- it's the first thought in my head when my alarm goes off. "ugh. that spider is waiting for me in the garage..." and it REALLY disturbs me. i think about him throughout my day- and a lot of times i itch, or slap at myself, thinking a spider is on me. so then comes last night. i pull in the garage, get ou...

yesterday was intense. some of you were praying for me- i thank you. i went to bed feeling heavy, weighed down, overwhelmed, and basically attacked. you see, i had planned on spending the day preparing. i am co-leading a book study on "captivating", as tonight is my night to lead the chapters. i had no idea it would turn into such a difficult ordeal. i started out leafing through some of my old journals. i sensed God leading me to read some of them to the girls- they are all in high school- when i shared. at first i thought it might be a fun endeavor to re-read about my life, but....mmmm...some of it wasn't so much fun. i was getting so caught up in the reading, and going back down memory lane when all of the sudden about a million ghosts from the closet of my past came swooping out. things i had forgotten, things i want to forget, things that cut to the core of my soul were all staring me in the face. it was then that i realized exactly WHY i keep my journals sh...

you just never know what can happen in a day... broken freezers to training new people to buying a plane ticket to having a car break down to seeing a chiropractor to getting a nice long walk in to getting a car fixed to riding in the car with three sweet girls to going to a moving book study to seeing God reflected through beautiful young women to going grocery shopping late at night to walking in the rain to getting ready for the next day to reading a sweet note written to you to having a dear friend give a ride to trusting God completely to knowing it starts all over again in just a few hours... you just never know what can happen in a day....

there is something powerful about a woman in high heels.

blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh. blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh. blAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAh.

i am feeling something tonight. it's hard to define what is going on in my heart. i, of course, am the only one constantly in-tune with the workings of my heart and soul- but tonight, i just can't quite put my finger on it. i spent the evening with a load of friends- every single friend there was married, engaged, or about to be. my response? i dunno. i didn't feel out-of-place, i didn't feel left out, i didn't feel like the odd one out. this could be because these are the people i am around the most, and so i am accustomed to being the only partner-less person. maybe it's because i have a lot going on in my mind and spirit, and so i don't have the strength to be bothered by my alone-ness. part of it is because these people are family to me here in mn, and our relational status doesn't change the way we all love each other. it's definately weird to be the only one with no one, with no chance of meeting some one. but, if i ever find someone, i...

i could feel life racing through my blood last night as lisa and i co-lead our first captivating study. God's power and presence was felt by both of us all day long. we were cool, calm, and collected, even in the midst of potentially stressful situations. people were praying for us- and we could sense it. we had 8 precious girls come- and they were vibrant, beautiful, ready to learn, and even a little scared. i, as well, am a little scared heading into this. studying a book like this takes one's heart and soul to depths that are usually locked up. but, we are ready to fight forward together- learning, growing, talking, sharing, laughing, and loving together! i left feeling happy- just full of life. my heart hasn't felt this alive in months. i'm beyond excited at what the next 7 weeks will hold. i love those girls already- they are beautiful! their hearts are just sweet and i am honored to be God's chosen one to journey with them.

i slept til noon. i don't think i've done that since college. normally i'd be ticked that i wasted half of my only day off, but not today. i hardly slept all week- and i needed the rest desperately. sunday is the best day of the week, hands down. i get to rest all day (as what it was intended for, thank you God!) and then go to be with my church tonight. a day of rest...ah....

i love that word, embark. who knows if i'm spelling it right? but, i am truly about to embark on a journey with a dear friend. this journey is bigger then myself, it is completely ordained by God, and i think most of all, it is a gift to me! a true gift from God. God is literally saving me through this endeavor. i am overwhelmed with joy and happiness and excitement to experience what the next 6 or 7 weeks will hold. i know that i will not be the same woman, come september- and that, that is God. i feel saved. that's the best way to describe how i feel: God has saved me.

i don't know how to make sleeping bags, i don't know how to dribble a ball...but i am so inspired by those who do! last night i heard stories of two different individuals who are making a difference in their world. in MY world. in YOUR world. not only that, but they are making a difference in the lives of the needy- the poor, the hungry, the sick, the homeless. the people that Jesus loved with no reservations. i was so inspired by hearing about these people, that i had to hear it from their own mouths. (you can, too, if you want. just go to consumed's website, and listen to the two most recent interviews) the inspiration continues. it makes me think, and think hard. i'm already on a journey of "what of my life? what am i supposed to do? i want to be valuable. i want to make a difference." i'm really struggling with the HOW. i love being motivated by how other people are living their lives. i think it is how i am inspired the most. real peopl...

i received three random compliments today- two from people i don't even know, and two that were said of me behind my back. compliments are priceless.

i miss my drums. i really miss them.... it's time.

i wish that wishes existed. i wish that i could wish and my wishes would come true. it would be very hard to pick three wishes. although, narrowing the topic down to only selfish wishes would make it a lot easier to decide. if i had three selfish wishes, i think i know what i'd wish for. aladdin didn't know how good he had it. he really didn't. maybe, tomorrow when i wake up, there will be a genie in a bottle next to my bed.

i watched a man almost die today- for all i know, he might even be dead. i'll never know, but what i witnessed, i'll never forget. i am a big fanatic of hospital drama shows (i.e. House, ER, etc.). watching trauma happen live is a whole other scene. i was cheering on my friends who ran a half marathon today- and once they finished we went to the food tent. on our way back, we hear on the loud speaker that there is an immediate need for the EMT's. i thought, "oh! that probably would have been me- with my torn muscle!" then i thought, "some one is probably dehydrated". when we got closer to the scene- a man had collapsed on the ground, after completing the half marathon. i was eating a granola bar, and stopped right where i was, absolutely frozen. i couldn't take my eyes of the guy. his legs, and running shoes were all i could see. there was a woman (friend? girl friend? finance? wife?) who was also wearing a number- indicating she had run the...

if you're reading this- thank you! just want to ask you to please pray for my leg! i have had a pulled muscle for over a week now- and it's still pretty painful, even just when i am walking. i am on my feet all day at work- constantly running around. i wouldn't mind so much, but my HALF MARATHON is on saturday- this saturday, june 2. like in a few days from now. i have been training for this race since the fall. needless to say, i have put my whole heart into this training. i can't imagine not running on saturday- so i am asking if you would please pray for God to heal my leg! i am pretty much freaking out at this point- i'll keep ya posted!

it's been a rather eventful week. not one of those "ohmygosh. so much is going on, i'm so excited!" weeks, but more like- an odd chain of events that i would never have expected to come about since last week. i got offered an amazing job, with amazing opportunities, was super excited about it, thought i was going to quit my job- and the next thing i know, i can't take it. the job couldn't work out for me because of pay and insurance. i was super disappointed. when i finally told my future bosses that i couldn't take it, i ended up feeling relieved. it made me feel like- yes, there is hope out there for me, and God has it waiting just around the corner. this situation awakened me to new things at my current job. i think i am going to make some pretty significant changes to my current situation that will really shock some people. i am anxious about this, but am going to continue to pray about it until monday. then we'll see. i am thankful for my job. God...

running, it seems, has turned into a full-time job. i never realized how time-consuming this whole running/training for a half marathon thing would be. it takes: stretching, the actual run (anywhere from 1-2 hours now!) more stretching, another shower, certain eating patterns that are hard to get the timing down, and then lots of rest is needed- but that's the part i seem to miss out on. i miss writing. i miss drumming. i feel like i am being disloyal to these two passions as i pursue this new hobby of running more hard core. only about 5 more weeks of training, and then the race. i know it will be well worth the fight. i am really amazed at how far God has brought me through this- makes me feel like i can accomplish anything! i would recommend it to anyone- just make sure you're ready to make it your full-time job!

what is the deal with chipotle anyways? i am trying my best to love it like most. people rave about it there, but i gotta be honest. it's icky. their meat is gross. pure GROSS. the chicken is brown and slithery, the beef is slimy and stringy, and i'll give you their steak. the steak i can handle- only it's so spicey my lips were melting off the whole time. at one point i actually started choking, and huge tears were pooled in my eyes. thank goodness it wasn't a date. plus their salsa is all chunk. no juice! i gotta have the juice, people! i can say their "fresh" brewed tea is yummy- especially with my little secret recipe that i make. but, definately NOT worth the 8 bucks. my little square needs more variety. i am DYING for jamba juice to open- i will be singing praises then! i will also be even more broke- it'll be well worth it after my 8,9, and 10 mile runs!! sooooooooooooo yum and refreshing! so, good-bye chipotle. i've given you a ...

It’s difficult for me to write this letter, but I can’t explain why. Thoughts about what I would write have been swirling round ‘n round in my head like a Frappuccino in a blender for days now. Only, my thoughts aren’t coming out as a delicious blended coffee drink- they’re coming out as a big blob of confusion! I have a lot of good to report. First things first- most people always want to know if there’s a boy in my life. That scores the highest on interest levels, I realize. So, let me just get to it and announce that, no, there are no boys in my life. (Oh, unless you count the married-ies, old-ies, or wouldn’t-touch-with-a-ten-foot-pole- ies.) What can ya do? Now, moving on to more important topics! I am training for a half marathon (that would be 13.1 miles) which takes place on June 2- only 6 weeks and counting! My long runs are already up to 7 miles- let me tell you, it’s really hard work! I am astounded at God’s creation of the body. I am not a born runner, and actuall...

i went to another world this weekend- a sweet, little town in good 'ol south dakota! now, i come from a family with a lot of relatives residing in tiny town iowa, but this was nothing compared to that! i was left astounded by the seclusion of the town we were in. it was beautiful- literal rolling hills, green lands, and the sky went on for miles and miles. i found myself just staring (probably gapping mouthed) out the window in awe of the world we had ventured into. the reason? dan and heidi's wedding. a simply beautiful day- a beautiful wedding- a radiant bride AND radiant groom. the depth of love they have for God and they have for each other was shinning brighter then even the sun. i've been around them for a year, watched their love for each other grow with each passing week, but their wedding. wow. you could almost touch their love, it felf that tangible. to call the day a blessing would be shorting it of the tremendous value it heald. still holds. and wil...

my last post was my 100th post! i had no idea- i missed my chance for a celebration post. thus, i am going to celebrate my 101st post! hhmmm...i got nothin'. i'll tell you this: i am very happy! i live a quite happy life- all thanks to God. the only downside is, lately i have been more-then-tired. so tired, i have been driven to naps (which i RARELY take), and freak-out-ish situations. they say you can survive longer without water then you can without sleep. i believe it.

so i've been knocked out twice in the past week. that can't be good for me. i'm still arguing in my mind whether i was really knocked or, or not- but the fact that my memory is non-existant during both episodes, leads me to believe i blacked out for a second or two. it doesn't really matter if i was conscience the whole time or not. the point is, i've been knocked down to the ground twice as of late! what the heck? exhibit A- a football game, touch football mind you. i was instructed by the QB (the names are being left out to protect the identities of the individuals at fault) to yell "blitz!" and charge the opponent. so, as a good little team member, i set myself to charge the guy- hear "hike!" and i run- full force- towards him. per instructions i also yelled, "bli...." and the next thing i know my body is pumled (this is the part i can't recall!)- and all of the sudden i am laying FLAT on my back in the dirt. the weird t...

i woke up this morning completely hungry to feast on anything God had to tell me! i keep a Bible next to my bed, with a journal of course, and so i rolled over, grabbed my Bible and just opened it up- the pages fell open to the amazing book of Titus. i just poured over what Titus was telling me, as a woman. it's pretty concise, clear, and something God wanted to tell me. i loved every minute of it. there i was, all cozy in my bed, the warm spring sun shining through my window and God speaking His Words of Truth over me. if you hadn't known my struggles for the past little while, then this wouldn't mean much to you. but, coming from a place of a cold, yet desert heart, this morning felt like a major milestone. God can break down walls, He can warm hearts- and He is softening mine. it feels good. really good to be in a place where God is speaking to my heart, i am listening, and something is going to happen... it feels really good to soak in the rays of His love, when...

i had to say good-bye to a friend this week. it was downrighht sad. i abhor saying "good-bye" to people. usually, i avoid it like the plague. i somehow manuever my schedule so that "i didn't get to say good-bye"! it's awkward. there are no words to say, and it's a miserable time. this week- i had to face the inevitable- the good-bye. as always, i felt like an idiot standing there, feeling sad, excited for him, but bummed for me...and there just wasn't anything left to say. i knew he was coming in for the last time, and i kept thinking about it. my stomach started to hurt, and i got all shaky. i'm a dork, but i feel for people. he's meant a lot to me, and how do you sum it all up during that one moment of good-bye? well, you don't. i, in turn, do not actually say "good-bye" to people, but rather, "see ya later!". so- see ya later friend! until next time...

i made it up to 5 miles today! i can hardly believe it. all my life i have stated that, "i am not a runner", but i just proved myself wrong today. and actually, i've been proving myself wrong for the past several months. running does not come naturally to me- but i am learning to love it, and i am getting better and better every week! i could have kept going today, my body felt great! wow- i am just amazed at my body's abilities! i have a feeling my mom was praying for me- and God worked! i had an awesome run, and i am in awe of His power in creation of human beings! a lot can happen when you have self-discipline, self-control, and work hard! it's truly amazing...

when i was in 4th grade, i played the recorder. i wore braces because i had a wicked bad snaggle tooth. i don't actually like plain, black coffee- even though i am a coffee master. (lots of flavored cream, please!) my weaknesses are: chocolate, cookies, and pizza i am becoming a morning person, i actually enjoy getting up early (so i can have the whole day!). i am afraid of living life alone. i am afraid of growing old and dying alone with no husband and no children. i have always wanted a professional massage. i used to live outside when i was little: climbing trees, swimming, riding my bike, and i LOVED roller skating. i hated when my mom told me to wear a little blush when i was in a wedding once. i did not want to grow up- i hated anything that had to do with "becoming a woman". i crashed a mo-ped with my best friend on the back- we both got really bad scrapes. i am afraid of not being loved for who i am. i have always wanted to live in the south, and almost did- twi...

tonight was my first ever "perfomance/reading" of a piece of my writing. i was pretty dang nervous to get up in front of a public audience, and essentially bare my soul to them. when i write, i spill my heart on the page, and to share that with the world is down right scary. so there i was, up at the podium, bright lights shining in my eyes, and i could feel myself grinning at what i wrote. i was so happy to be sharing my love- my passion- with people who want to listen! astonishing! i had an entire row of friends cheering me on. thank you, friends. to all of you special ones in my life: thank you to :swzy, boogsie, chuck, lisa, heidi, and dan. it meant the world to me to have an entire row of people who love me supporting me as i shared my heart. i had the most fans, i'm proud to say! you all came, and i am so touched. thank you and thank you! a cute older man from my class read tonight, too. he made sure to introduce me to his wife- it was adorable! i then...

i barely even know what day it is. my week has been a blur. on tuesday morning, at 8:30 am (God's first, of many, blessings to come- i thank Him i wasn't opening that morning!) i waltzed out to my prized, sweet little red jeep liberty. i opened the door to get in, and i saw a book of cd's and a cd case on my seat. this began the confusion! i don't exactly remember how it all came together in my mind, but i noticed the glove box was open, papers were strone about, and i kept thinking, "why are all these things out of place?" if you know me at all- you know that my car is always neat, and everything has its place. then all at once, i noticed my back seat (above) and the pile of glass. that really confused me...until i looked up, and saw the shattered window (below). if you look closely, you can see that the window is spidered all the way up to the top. (the entire window) that's when i whipped my head back to the front and finally began to comprehend things....

there is a dude at work who is constantly mocking me because "so many people" love me. sometimes i think he's making fun of me, and sometimes i think he thinks it's weird, and sometimes i think he's envious. it's true though- i am just engulfed, really, by people who love me. i have so many people who are near and dear to me. i am ridiculed for having multiple "best friends", but God has placed so many special people in my life and friends who have made such an impact on my life, that i can't possibly narrow it down. tonight, i am just in awe of the God-sent women in my life. sisters, really. women who have stuck it out with me- through the muck and mire, through the silver and gold, through the rough and ragged, through the sparkles and glitter- i am loved just the way i am. for me, nothing more- nothing less. i don't think there's a better gift that God could bestow upon me. the gift of surrounding me with His love, and His love...

so my new favorite band is coming to our very own St. Paul- macalester college next wed. night the 28th at 8 pm. yeah, AG Silver! i personally can not wait, and i know several others are in the same boat as me. although, i must say i'm a bit disappointed that it's only half of their band...but it'll still be a sweet show, i'm sure! for those of you who care (you know who you are) this is what i believe you like to call an "indie" band, and no- they're not from india. so come on friends- (and i am talking to more then just lisa!) it'll be a rockin' good time.

sorry about that...i actually had 16 "loves" and didn't know it!! i think i fixed things to my liking now. please try to leave a comment and see if it lets you without my approval...more to come. i am going to class, had drums last night, and that ALWAYS leaves me with a TON to say!

"where's the love? it's not enough!" anyone? anyone out there remember that Hanson cd? you know- from "the middle of nowhere" album. it also hosted that oh-so-amazing "mmmmmbop song." so i've gone for three blogs in a row now with ZERO comments. not 1. so i ask, where's the love people?? i went outside today, and thought i was in Heaven. THE WEATHER IS WARM! i almost died. i can not adequately express my joy and delight at such a gift. it brings such happiness to my heart that i can not explain. the sad thing is: it was 30 degrees and i could still see my breath. what has happened to me that i believe still freezing temperatures to be WARM?! oh well- i don't care. i'll take it!

rejected. I have searched you and I know you. rejected. you are wonderful. rejected. I created your inmost being. rejected. I have arranged you in The Body just where I want you. rejected. this is love. rejected. not that you loved me. rejected. but that I love you. rejected. daughter, you are loved. rejected. daughter, you are valuable. rejected. daughter, you are treasured. rejected. daughter, I cherish you. rejected. perfect love casts out fear. rejected. you are beautiful. rejected. daughter, I love you!

oh happy valentines day to everyone! i love this holiday. ahhh...a day to celebrate the people you love- give gifts, get gifts (whoo-hoo!:) and share your heart with anyone that you encounter. all day at starbucks this morning, people kept telling me, "happy valentines day"! so sweet! the first thing my fellow opening "partner" said to me this morning was, "happy valentines day!"- at 6:30 am, that's especially sweet. it made my morning. i just don't recall the "world" around me caring all that much about this special day, but today, they cared. i got to make up adorable little cupcake packs for people, and it's so fun to give them out. there's just something about a cupcake... ahhh...i have such sweet memories from valentines days gone by- the best being from my "forever valentine". one of my dearest friends since i was like 15. i am blessed. so, today- if you're reading this: HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! i pr...