She Is Good

I feel like I have big shoes to fill after Abigail’s introduction! I hope I do it justice.

I’m Heidi. I am a graphic designer, small business owner and a lover of travel. I am a Type A list maker. I have lived in nine states and 14 cities. I attended 11 different schools. I hate onions. I like black licorice. I love grapefruit. I have no favorite color, but my closet is organized by color. I am a left-handed introvert.

I have been wracking my brain for what to write about here for weeks. I am not at the end of some grand journey where I have wisdom or some deep reflections to impart. Instead, I feel like I am in the midst of a painful and ongoing battle in multiple areas of my life. One of the most significant battles being my “woman”hood.

I say womanhood with quotes because I am a 36 year old who has yet to claim herself as a “woman”. In my own mind, I am still a girl, trying to find her way into the world of women. I think a lot of this has to do with the environment I was raised in, but even more so because of the pain of infertility and loss I have experienced surrounding my body.

My body has not been a source of life or goodness for me. It has not been capable of doing the things it was designed to do, so I carry a lot of hatred and shame toward it. Shame that I am working hard to combat on a daily basis.

I was recently invited to participate in a friend’s birthday party. This particular birthday party was unlike any I had ever been to, and yet it was a party that I think every girl should be required to attend.

It was a celebration of what it means to be a woman, created in the image of God, and to honor the goodness of being a woman, our bodies, and our feminine selves.

I was anxious going into the evening because, as mentioned, this is an area where I struggle, and I am willing to bet a good portion of girls/woman do, especially in the Christian culture. Our bodies and our female goodness are hard to talk about. It’s a topic that is talked around, but never really about directly. (Why is that? I’m still trying to figure that out. There is so much fear.)

And so my friend, who is on a similar journey of discovering the goodness of the woman God created her to be, gathered eight women together to share in this special, intimate evening with her. Her 36th birthday.

We were each asked to bring a blessing and a symbol of what represents femininity to us. We dressed up. We sat in a circle on the floor on blankets, reclining on pillows, with candles glowing and lights strung overhead. And, we feasted together in similar fashion of a Seder.

 

My friend had brought various symbols that were used to mark pivotal parts of her story that she shared with us in between courses of the meal.

Sea water – represented her favorite quote by Isak Dinesen

“The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea.”

Juniper oil – represented youth, protection, chastity
Pomegranate – represented fertility

Covering – using a cloth to cover the pomegranate to symbolize all the times she was shamed for her body or that her femininity was shrouded

Bitter herb – symbolized the heartache of being detached and distant to her feminine self, the sorrow/loneliness as she tries to understand her feminine self

Cedar – this scent represented a cleansing, forgiveness to her

Cutting the pomegranate –opening it up and sharing her journey with her sisterhood of women

After she had so bravely opened her heart to us, we each took time, through tears and our own vulnerability, to share our journey as women. We presented our symbols of femininity: candles, poems, jewelry, art, nail polish; and after each blessing, we handed her a single pale pink rose. Roses are a symbol of femininity to her and so collectively we gave a bouquet of flowers to bless her effort to know and understand who she is and what she likes as a woman.

The gift I chose to bring, along with the above print I designed, was a candle. In my mind, candles represent warmth, glow, nurturing, sensuality, and the ability to light up a room. They are captivating and fragrant. All the things I think women are. We are fierce yet gentle. Strong, but calm. We are amazing.

But we forget that last part.

We berate. We belittle. We shame. We cover up. We snuff out. We forget. We forget the goodness that comes with being a woman, created by God.

I will never forget that special evening where I sat around with eight other women honoring the goodness of who we are, in all our various forms. We came as we were and offered what we had of ourselves to give.

Oh yeah, and we ended the night with homemade carrot cake and dancing in the kitchen to Justin Bieber while we did dishes. Perfect end to a beautiful evening.

I challenge you to check in with where you are with your body. I encourage you to be kind with yourself wherever you find yourself to be. How can we love others if we do not first love ourselves? It is not easy. It’s hard to love ourselves at times. That is what God desires for us, though. Love.

Bonus! As Abigail mentioned in her previous post, I am the owner of Haven Paperie, a small stationery business. I chose three cards that I think are fitting for this post that I want to giveaway to one of you!

Here’s how to enter to win these cards, plus stamps:

1. Follow Haven Paperie on whatever social media platform you choose
2. In the comments section below, answer the following question. What gift would you bring to represent your journey as a woman or what makes you feel feminine?
3. For the guys out there, you can enter for a special woman in your life, too. Your question is: What do you value about the women in your life?
4. Not on social media? Add that to your comment so we know!

A winner will be chosen Dec 1.